Teddy Roosevelt is a bad ass

Teddy Roosevelt is a bad ass. History and Science both say so.
Another day, another picture of Teddy “Badgers for Balls” Roosevelt choosing who’s ass he’s going to kick soon as he finishes his speech.

Another day, another picture of Teddy “Badgers for Balls” Roosevelt choosing who’s ass he’s going to kick soon as he finishes his speech.

The Teddy Roosevelt Bad Ass Club of Bad Assery

So if Heaven exists, it is safe to assume that Teddy “You’re Damn Right I Am A Bad Ass In the Afterlife” Roosevelt would have quarantined off a portion for himself and other bad asses to congregate, swap stories, box, and do other bad ass things us mere mortals can’t comprehend.

One such giant testicled demi-god to make this short list would definitely be Louis Zamperini.

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Louis “Lord Badassington of Badassia” Zamperini grew up kicking asses.  He was taught to box at an early age to defend himself after getting picked on.  However, this was like giving a lion a machine gun, teaching him to use it, and expecting things to all be fine and the LZ started to get in trouble for kicking literally all the asses.

To keep him out of trouble and channel that energy, Zamperini got involved in the track team.  You would think that his enormous sack would have acted like one of those parachutes they use to stop drag racers, but Louis “Fuck Your Physics” Zamperini set record after record.  Track led him to a scholarship at USC and eventually earned him a spot on the Olympic team.

Which Olympics was this you ask?  Oh no biggie, just the one hosted by Hitler.  He ran one of the fastest laps of those games which ended up getting him a handshake from Hitler himself.  Not liking the feel of fascism, LZ climbed a flagpole and stole one of Hitler’s personal flags as a souvenir.

Hitler was mentioned so you know this tale of badassery and ultimate heroism is going to WWII.  Louis “Why Drop The A-Bomb When You Could Send Me” Zamperini joined up with the air force and set to fighting in the Pacific.

While on a mission, Louis was shot down in the middle of the ocean.  We can’t be certain, but it is safe to assume he allowed this to happen because regular war was just too boring for his bad ass persona.

He managed to survive the crash along with his three shipmates and spent 47 days adrift at sea.  At one point while under the raft ducking Japanese air fire, Zamperini defending himself and his team from sharks by PUNCHING ONE IN THE FACE MULTIPLE TIMES.

When he finally reached shore, Louis “What Else You Got?” Zamperini found himself on an Island controlled by the Japanese.  To be more specific, it was controlled by one of the most notoriously vicious Japaneses guards known as “The Bird”.  Zamperini was tortured and made to suffer his entire time in the camp but yet somehow was still able to not only survive, but had enough badassery to spare.  This extra badassery was given out to his co-prisoners when he helped boost morale and keep away hunger by writing down Italian recipes that they would all eat once they got out.

After being declared dead multiple times, the war ended and Louis “We’ll Go When I Say We Go, Death” Zamperini returned home to a heroes welcome.

On July 2nd of this year, at 97 years of age, Louis Zamperini, knowing he had done more in a day than most of us would accomplish in twice his life time, told Death he was ready.  Death, having been made Zamperini’s bitch much, much earlier, obliged and took him to party in the  Teddy Roosevelt Bad Ass Club of Bad Assery.

"Don’t fucking tell ME river’s don’t exist"

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There is a river in Brazil called the Rio de Roosevelt. 

Why the fuck is it called that?  Is it flowing with raw steaks and the sweat from a brow that knows the true value of a hard days work?

No.  Those aren’t real things rivers can be made of.

Is it called that because Teddy “We’ll find the source of goddamn river or I’ll use my mighty bladder to piss it into creation” Roosevelt mapped that shit?

You’re fucking right it is.

After losing the 1912 election (presumably because too many women were made immediately pregnant watching his first inauguration speech and the country couldn’t handle another population boom), the Bull Moose took his party and said ‘fuck it’.  He left politics and instead opted to science the shit out of shit with a year long scientific exploration in Brazil.

Together with his son Kermit and Cândido Rondon, the rivers original discover, former president Explorer Kickass set out to map the Rio de Roosevelt to figure out where it met the Amazon.

Before mapping the river, (one of the most dangerous tributaries of the Amazon btw), Rondon had named it the Rio de Dúvida, or River of Doubt.

The name was obviously changed to Rio de Roosevelt because there was no doubt on the enormous size of Teddy “I don’t doubt shit” Roosevelt’s testicles.

In light of the world cup victory today, here’s the most American shit you’ll ever see

In light of the world cup victory today, here’s the most American shit you’ll ever see

President “Never Looked Back Once At The Explosion Going On Behind Him Because He Was So Badass” Roosevelt was a dude who hated sitting around and doing nothing. 

Since that was the case, it can logically be concluded that he hated pictures when there was video options available. 

Here’s an old news reel of the media singing his praises because they dared not do otherwise.

Just look at this sexy fucking badass right here.  Look at him.Not only is this glorious hunk of man meat the reference point the International Organization for Standardization uses for judging all beefcake, but the handsomest face to ever reside in the District of Columbia (and possibly the whole nation) spent at least 40 fucking years getting whaled on.
To clarify, obviously Teddy “I’ve Punched Nature Itself Into Submission” Roosevelt wasn’t in the habit of losing a fight, but holy fucking shit did that mother fucker love to box.  President Right Hooks and Write Books didn’t let holding the highest office in the land hold him back from fucking motherfuckers up.  This dude was known to box with military aides when they came to visit the White House ALL THE TIME.
Teddy loved punching people so much that the only reason he finally stopped was because his doctors ordered him to after someone got lucky and landed a punch that left the Bullmoose blinded in his left eye.This fight that partially blinded him occurred when he was 50 years old btw.
Upon receiving the doctors orders, Teddy has this to say in his autobiography:"Accordingly I thought it better to acknowledge that I had become an elderly man and would have to stop boxing. I then took up jiujitsu for a few years."
The badassery never stopped.

Just look at this sexy fucking badass right here.  Look at him.

Not only is this glorious hunk of man meat the reference point the International Organization for Standardization uses for judging all beefcake, but the handsomest face to ever reside in the District of Columbia (and possibly the whole nation) spent at least 40 fucking years getting whaled on.

To clarify, obviously Teddy “I’ve Punched Nature Itself Into Submission” Roosevelt wasn’t in the habit of losing a fight, but holy fucking shit did that mother fucker love to box.  President Right Hooks and Write Books didn’t let holding the highest office in the land hold him back from fucking motherfuckers up.  This dude was known to box with military aides when they came to visit the White House ALL THE TIME.

Teddy loved punching people so much that the only reason he finally stopped was because his doctors ordered him to after someone got lucky and landed a punch that left the Bullmoose blinded in his left eye.

This fight that partially blinded him occurred when he was 50 years old btw.

Upon receiving the doctors orders, Teddy has this to say in his autobiography:
"Accordingly I thought it better to acknowledge that I had become an elderly man and would have to stop boxing. I then took up jiujitsu for a few years."

The badassery never stopped.

Shouting at Commies

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There were few things Teddy “Bad ass burger with an additional side of bad ass with a giant bowl of bad ass to start” Roosevelt loved more than America.  The exceptions that are even open for debate are nature and kicking asses.

Being the America connoisseur that he was, President McAwesome knew the land he was representing (not ruling, because, come on, dude was a man of the people) was fucking huge and not every freedom lover was going to be able come out to see him talk.

More so, not every Commie, present and future, was going to have the chance to quake in fear while hearing him speak.  For the benefit of his countrymen and to the terror of his enemies, the Bull Moose, always on the cutting edge of technology, recorded a number of his speeches on wax cylinder.

Because nothing created by Teddy “I’ll kick your eardrum’s ass, too” Roosevelt would even DARE to be lost to the ravages of time, we are still able to benefit from these speeches today. 

In fact, do you want to hear that shit right now?  Of course you do.
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